Elenwen

Last night I didn’t do so hot. Aaron brought a large Reese’s Pieces Sonic Blast home for me as a surprise, and I snarfed it all down. I told myself I’d eat half when he brought it and half today, but nooo, we started watching Star Wars and next thing I knew, all the ice cream was gone. It was pretty darn delicious though!

Today I ate frozen burritos for lunch and Honey Buzzers as a snack. Dinner is going to be a lentil vegetable soup. I hope it’s good. I didn’t have breakfast because I woke up at 1:00 (I didn’t fall asleep until about 3:00 though, so I guess it’s expected). I also went for a walk. Ended up being about 3/4 of a mile, and when Aaron gets home I’m going to ask him to do the remaining 1/4 with me.  Tomorrow I start the vegetarian deal! I’m really, really excited about it, ha.

To princessarthur, thank you for the link! We will definitely be doing that, but the next time they deliver is the end of August, so this month is still going to be the vegetarian thing. There’s actually a pick-up church less than two miles away.

My boyfriend called and suggested that with this paycheck we buy mostly vegetables and rices/pastas/etc, because that’s all cheaper than chicken. I was all confused, I was like, “So you want to try a vegetarian diet? You do know that you normally refuse to eat whatever vegetables I make, right?” And he was all yeah, yeah, but we can’t afford meat this paycheck. So vegetarian diet it is, for the next two weeks at least. I’m actually looking forward to it. I was vegetarian for about four months about three years ago, though then I went to a private Southern college that didn’t have vegetarian options, so I stopped not eating meat altogether and started eating chicken. Now I’ll eat chicken and turkey, but that’s it.

Anyway, vegetarianism it is! It will be healthy and delicious. I’m looking forward to it.

I’ve been in a really bad mood for the past couple days. Been lashing out at my boyfriend. I even lashed out a bit at Kenzzie last night, though that was mostly because she’s been picking at any food I make her and refuses to eat unless it’s something from McDonald’s, so I told her she was either going to eat what I made or else go hungry. Needless to say, she decided to eat what I made. I get so angry because it’s not her fault that all she wants is fast food, it’s her mom’s fault, and her grandparents’ fault. Her mom works at Zaxby’s, so that’s pretty much what they eat, and then Nana and Pa only ever feed her fast food, so she’s decided that fast food is all that she’ll eat. She’s only six! She needs a HEALTHY diet, not the crap that those places dole out. It makes me so, so angry. I try to make healthy meals while she’s at our house, but she won’t eat them, she claims to not like them, even if it’s something like spaghetti, which she used to eat and LOVE. Ugh. And then she wants dessert, after claiming to not be hungry. I’m not THAT naive. *insert eye roll here*

And Aaron’s friends came over last night. They showed up around 6:00 and didn’t leave until half an hour ago– 3:oo in the MORNING. At least they liked the stew I made them, though they didn’t touch the peach cobbler, because Aaron forgot about it. Which is kind of upsetting, because the only reason I made it was because he asked me to, and because I figured what safer time to make a cobbler than when a lot of people are coming over? At least that way I wouldn’t sit down and eat it all. But they hadn’t touched it, and I was so upset by the time they finally left that I ended up eating about 1/4 of it anyway. I was in the bedroom most of the night. I watched ALL THREE Lord of the Rings movies. That’s just not supposed to be possible all in one sitting! And I read a book, with ittt bitty handwriting, that was 350 pages long, and got halfway through another 300-page book. The first one ended up being, like, a history of anxorexia nervosa. If I had known that, I wouldn’t have checked it out. I thought it was going to be a medical history of this one case from Victorian times. Mollie Fancher. There were claims that she hadn’t eaten for like 12 years or something, but she looked perfectly healthy. Sounded like a big giant hoax to me. But it was interesting reading about it, even if it did set off me wanting to binge because I felt like crap for not having the self-control that anorexics have. Stupid! But still. I wish I had SOME self-control, you know? Of course a lot of you know, I mean, why else would we be on a weight-loss-support site, right?

I’ve done pretty well today, so far. I had eggs, toast, and a smoothie for breakfast. That was my biggest meal. Turned out to be almost 600 calories. Next time I think I’ll just do egg whites, instead of the whole egg. For lunch I just ate some squash. I wasn’t very hungry (I felt pretty nauseous today. I ate the breakfast in an attempt to quiet the nausea). The only snack I’ve had today was some carrots and homemade hummus. I’ve never had hummus before. I think it’s kind of an acquired taste–I don’t like it very much at the moment, but I can still snack on it, if you know what I mean. It’s not unbearable, but it’s definitely not my favorite. But at the same time, I keep wanting to eat more, because the taste intrigues me. So instead of tossing it out, which was my first inclination, I put it in a Tupperware container and put it in the fridge. It will go good with my carrots and celery and things. Dinner tonight is going to be a lasagna-type casserole thing. I don’t have any ricotta or ground meat, so it will just be pasta, spaghetti sauce (with some zucchini and carrots hidden in it so that my boyfriend actually eats some veggies), and mozzarella/parmesan cheese. If I even bother having dessert tonight it will probably be a nectarine, apple, or banana. Like I said though, I’m feeling pretty sick today, so I don’t think I’ll be having dessert.

As for exercise, I walked down to the mailbox. So I was walking for about five minutes. And I cleaned up the house a bit. :S Definitely not the best exercise, but at least I went outside instead of just curling up into a ball and pitying myself all day.

But I haven’t, yet. The worst of it all is that I was having a good day. I had lots of energy, I was feeling good, I ate right, all was well. Then I read an email from my stepmom, where she pretty much called me a liar and useless and all this other crap. And I don’t know why she sent it because I haven’t done anything to deserve it recently, and now I feel like there’s no point to anything. I mean, I’m trying to be a better person than what I was, but it’s hard work and I can’t do everything all at once. It takes TIME. And really, I was never that bad of a person. I mean, I have really bad anxiety and depression, and I’m the one that got cancer (though that wasn’t my fault!). But I mean, her boys are constantly drunk and in fights (the oldest was even LIVING with them so that he could pay off a drunk driving arrest thing, while I had cancer, and I was the bad one??), my sister’s the one who is into drugs and promiscuity and all that crap. I’m the one that moved out on my own, with a boyfriend who I’ve been with for almost three years, who doesn’t drink or smoke or do drugs, who is doing WELL. Except for the whole anxiety/depression thing, which I’m actually working on. So what the hell. Just because I have trouble with calling people (trouble is an understatement here, I actually have panic attacks when I have to use the phone), I’m the one who is the most messed up out of all the kids. I don’t understand.

Hopefully getting all this out will prevent me from gorging myself on cookies or something.

Aaron surprised me yesterday and came home with a food processor that he bought me. I’ve been wanting one of those for three years, but I always felt guilty even LOOKING at them, I figured a knife and cutting board were cheaper and could do more things. But he poked his head into the door yesterday and looked all proud of himself (which he should have been, he had even gotten a haircut!) and then wandered the rest of the way in with this big ole food processor box. At first I thought it might have been a hand-me-down from his mom, and everything that she’s handed down hasn’t worked (the last culprit was a stand mixer that I managed to keep the bowls from, but the motor was ruined). But it wasn’t, it was a brand new food processor.

Then I told him we needed milk (because we did!) so we went to the store. I’m very proud of myself–instead of getting a couple of bags of candy, I bought some bananas, nectarines, an apple, a cucumber, a zucchini, onions, potatoes, pears, peaches, and penne. That’s more vegetables than I’ve ever bought in one store trip! And yesterday I went on a two-mile walk. I’ll be doing the same today, because we forgot to get hot dog buns, so I’ll be walking down to the Dollar Store. I sure hope they have some!

Aaron’s friends are coming over tonight at about 7:00, so I need to clean up the house and figure out what, if anything, I’m going to feed them. I might try to schedule my walk for about the time they show up, because I really don’t like any of his friends except for one, and that one is in Seattle right now, visiting his brother and sister-in-law, who just had a baby.

I’m down from 145 to 140. So that’s good! I’ve been having trouble with night-eating though. Specifically, from about 5:00 to about 10:00. From 5:00 to 7:30, I’m normally hungry for dinner, but Aaron isn’t home and I don’t want to eat dinner alone. That always depresses me. So I try to find a little snack for somewhere in there (yesterday was a yogurt, things like that). Then, after we eat dinner, we sit and watch TV for a bit, or movies, and it’s hard to break the habit of mindless eating.

Anyway, off to make myself some lunch (though I have no idea what yet) and clean up the pigsty I live in.

Hope everyone’s doing okay!

I did well yesterday, until late night hunger pains hit. I still lost a few pounds,  but I’m sure most of it was water weight. I ate two pieces of cheesecake instead of just one, though. But that was all the sweets I ate. And I took the dogs for a 20 minute walk, which I was proud of, because it was hot and humid.

Today I’m going to go for a walk on my own, rather than with the dogs, so I’ll be able to go a bit farther, hopefully. Although it’s just as hot and humid today as it was yesterday.

Anyway, meal plan: I didn’t have breakfast because I didn’t wake up until noon. Lunch is leftovers from dinner last night (spinach pasta), unless it’s not good reheated, in which case I’ll eat something else–probably soup and toast. Dinner is going to be a chickenloaf (like meatloaf but made with ground chicken instead), baked potato, and broccoli. And dessert, of course, is going to be that Nutella cheesecake.

My scans came back negative. So I’m still cancer-free! In celebration of that, I didn’t do so well with my eating last week. But today I stepped on the scale and got a slap in the face–I weigh 245 pounds. What a wake-up call. So I cried on Aaron’s shoulder and then we decided that in order to motivate me we would compete– see who could lose the most weight by our anniversary (October 21). After all, he needs to lose some weight too, he’s gained about fifty pounds since he started dating me. If only I wasn’t such a good cook ;). Anyway, I made him promise that he wouldn’t let me get as many sweets as he’s been letting me get. Sugar is seriously my Achilles heel. I made a Nutella cheesecake yesterday, though, before I realized how heavy I’d gotten. So that will be a test of my willpower, I guess. At least it’s really rich, so I shouldn’t be tempted to eat more than a little bitty slice. It will just be a challenge to not eat it at any other time than dessert!

So far today I’ve eaten eggs and toast with a bit of margarine and raspberry jam. And I’ve had black coffee with sugar to drink. And at about 2:00, I’m going to take Aaron’s parents’ dogs for a walk. And when Aaron gets home, I’m going to ask him to go on another walk with me. Plus I need to do some laundry, so that will be lots of going up and downstairs with a fairly heavy load. It’s amazing how many calories you burn without even realizing it when you have to clean a house.

Oh, and dinner tonight is going to be pasta with a spinach sauce. And I think Aaron said he was going to come home for lunch, so I’m going to make turkey sandwiches with some carrots or celery. In order to prevent myself from snacking on other, less healthy things, I’ve washed and sliced the carrots and celery so that I can just reach in and grab some of that. I always forget how tasty vegetables can be because I never want to go through the trouble of preparing them, even though it normally takes more time to prepare whatever else I decide to eat! I’m also going to ask Aaron if he can run me to the grocery store today or tomorrow, so that I can pick up some apples, nectarines or peaches, plums, peanut butter, lettuce, and bell pepper.  Then I’ll have no choice but to walk home, so that will be an extra 2.5 miles added to my exercise, as well as some healthy foods.

Don’t you hate it when life feels like a rollercoaster ride? My emotions and stress levels have been shooting sky high and then plummeting for the past few months, and my eating has definitely reflected that. Half the time I didn’t even notice I was eating until the pack of chips or cookies or whatever was gone. But hopefully now that emotional rollercoaster will even out, and even if it doesn’t I’m going to try to keep track of my eating and exercise. Emotional eating sucks!

Anyway, I’m really excited about today being the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, because I am a geek. I’m especially excited about the History Channel airing the original TV footage of the moon landing tonight at 8:30. I called up my boyfriend as soon as I found out and was all, “DON’T MAKE ANY PLANS! BE SPONTANEOUS ANOTHER NIGHT! I WANT TO WATCH THE MOON LANDIIIIIIIIING!!!!!” And he said, “… Ok?”

Anyway, so far today all I’ve eaten was a Yoplait Light, and all I’ve had to drink was water. I’m about to make myself a snack though, because I ate at about 6:30, and it’s 9:30, and I’m hungry. Lunch is going to be macaroni and cheese, probably, and dinner might be a chicken curry. I’m not entirely sure yet, because we’re downstairs watching Aaron’s parents’ dogs, and their kitchen is extremely hard to cook in. I took the dogs for a short walk this morning, and I’m cleaning both upstairs and downstairs (or at least, doing the laundry from upstairs, because the rest of it is clean, and cleaning up all of downstairs). This means I’ll be hauling loads of about 20 pounds up and down stairs all day. Yay unintentional exercise. I’m also planning on taking the dogs for another walk later on today, though I’m not entirely sure about that because of the heat and chance of thunderstorms.

Tomorrow I have PET and CT scans. I’m very, very nervous about them. I’m also nervous that my dad won’t manage to get me the paperwork I need to get my military ID renewed. If he doesn’t get that to me early tomorrow, then I won’t be able to have the scans because my insurance won’t accept it. And that makes me even more nervous than the scans do. Hopefully I’ll be able to control my eating today despite my anxiety about the scans, and tomorrow I don’t have to worry about eating because I’m not allowed to for at least six hours before the scans, and I’m normally too traumatized from the barium shakes/enema to want to eat directly afterwards!

I hope everyone’s doing okay!

Amanda

We’re celebrating it tomorrow though. I’m not sure how many people will be there– the only ones I know for sure are me, him, and McKenzzie. But he’s inviting his friends, so there might be a TON more people. I’m making him lasagna, because that is his favorite dish EVER. But I can’t stand lasagna, so I’ll be making spaghetti as well. I’ve already given him two of his presents: a video game (Grim Grimoire) and a bulk pack of Reese’s (his favorite candy). He thinks that’s all he’s getting, but last night we went out and I managed to get us over to the mall without him knowing why (I just told him I wanted to walk around the mall), so I snuck into Books-a-Million and bought him books 2 and 3 of the Wheel of Time series– his favorite series EVER. And I also bought new lingerie in red, which he said he thought was a sexy color. I’ve never had red underwear before. Today I need to clean up the house and make the lasagna so that it can sit overnight and the flavors will meld together.

Also, this just popped into my head– Aaron said that one of his friends said that he (the friend) was jealous because I’m such a good cook. I like compliments, especially ones that are said to someone else about me.